Ceremony Predictions for the 2011 Academy Awards
Predictions for the 2011 Oscar Ceremony
Article by: Witney Seibold
The Academy Awards are this Sunday. I’ve never seen the Academy Awards as any sort of legitimate measure of a film’s quality (I can rattle off many Best Picture winners that were just plain mediocre), but I’m still a sucker for the ceremony, and I watch it on television every year, usually surrounded by friends who are just as willing to snark at the actors, and, thanks to an idea by my lovely wife, shoot suction darts at the parts of the ceremony we hate (the interpretive dance numbers being a particularly hated part of any show).
I’ve also made all of my predictions, and will win or lose my Oscar pools accordingly. But, more fun than predicting the winners of the Oscars (especially this year, with so many shoo-ins), is predicting the events of the 4-hours-plus television extravaganza. Forget whether or not Hailee Steinfeld will take home a trinket. I want to see what horrible thing Renee Zellweger is wearing when she accidentally trips onstage.
Here then is my list of predictions for the Oscar telecast.
The host and hostess will be late to the ceremony. This year, in what is a blind and desperate grab for a youth audience, the Oscars are being hosted by the lovely Anne Hathaway, and the lovely James Franco, two of the hottest young actors currently working. As the ceremony begins, however, Anne and James will both be absent from the stage. The Academy orchestra will attempt to keep things moving for a bit, and a montage will be played, but it will take a scrambling investigation to find them. They will be found behind the Kodak theater, not completely undressed, having sex up against the side of a limo. It’s unclear why they needed the Oscar statuette for the sound mixing.
The sound will cut out ten minutes in, and ABC will be unable to pick it back up for a full three minutes. They decide to mix in speeches from previous years’ Oscar telecasts. When Melissa Leo gives her acceptance speech, she will sound like Adrian Brody.
The performances for Best Song will all be performed at once, getting them out of the way quickly, which is a good move on the Academy’s part. Oddly, though, Randy Newman will not be available to preform his song from “Toy Story 3,” and will have selected the reclusive experimental musician Scott Walker to perform in his place. The song will be transformed into a 14-minute free-form jazz odyssey. For some reason, the cameraman will keep cutting to Natalie Portman.
When Diane Lane takes the stage to present the Oscar for Best Cinematography, her dress will come unsnapped in the back, and she’ll flash the audience. Ever the professional, she’ll give her presentation, clutching her dress to her chest. She’ll be giggling the entire time. She’ll be a little bit drunk, and the entire audience will be charmed. Werner Herzog will take the stage next, and try to flash the audience as well. He will be audibly booed.
Jack Nicholson will be absent from the ceremony, and the dialogue written for him will seem awkward when delivered to a seat-filler. All references to Jack Nicholson will result in a cutaway to said random seat-filler. By the end of the ceremony, the man will begin to assume that he is Jack Nicholson, and will start talking to Jack’s co-stars as if he knows them. By the time Best Picture is announced, he will have been escorted from the building.
In a disastrous miscalculation, the Academy decides to have a video montage devoted to Movie Villains, and will only show clips of Al Pacino as Shylock in “The Merchant of Venice.” The room will scream in uproar, and the clip will be stopped. Days later, a story will emerge about a spiteful intern who switched the tapes as a prank, and that he’s not really an anti-Semite. Doubts will be heaped upon him for the rest of his life. He will also become the star of an FX reality show.
Another montage will be devoted to video games in movies. It will be the only time films like “Resident Evil: Extinction,” and “The Wizard” will be mentioned with awe.
Renee Zellweger will be wearing a lovely bright red, backless dress. Halle Berry will be wearing the same dress. They will present an award together, and make some unscripted jibes at one another regarding the bad etiquette of wearing matching outfits. Later in the ceremony, they will be seen violently fistfighting in the wings. A bottle will be smashed and shoved into Halle Berry’s midsection. Zellweger will be struck very hard in the head with the Oscar for best animated short. Halle Berry will win the fight, although Zellweger will have broken her arm.
Nicole Kidman will lose for her role in “Rabbit Hole,” and will actually begin crying in the audience. Tommy Lee Jones, seated nearby, will arise to comfort her. He’ll talk about how acting is a grand craft, and awards mean little. They’ll reminisce about their days together on the set of “Batman Forever.” Jim Carrey will join in giving sympathy, as will Val Kilmer. The quartet will leave the ceremony early to have a comforting dinner at Canter’s, where they’ll talk about working together again, and maybe writing a screenplay together, the four of them. They’ll never write the screenplay.
Jean-Claude Van Damme will present the award for best editing. He will suffer a terrible bout of stage fright, and will remain stunned and silent for his entire time onscreen. He will later explain that he was giving his lines telepathically. He also says it explains why he announced that “Gattaca” won Best Editing this year. No one will believe him.
Gaspar Noe will present the award for Best Foreign Language film. While he is calmly giving his intro, Lars Von Trier will charge onto stage and stab him. He will shout some screed in Danish, and announce that the Danish film should win over whatever crap is in the envelope. It turns out that that Danish film was intended to win, and Von Trier will meekly apologize to Noe for his “brief, amusing bout of antisocial behavior.” Von Trier will help the bleeding Noe off stage. They will begin making films together, and the event will be remembered with fondness.
The ceremony will be artificially extended when Russell Crowe takes to the stage to announce the Academy Award for Best Actor. He announces that he has $50,000 (US) that says the ceremony will run longer than 4 ½ hours. He pads out the ceremony by telling an Australian folk tale about a curious mouse. He does funny voices. His performance is captivating. That, combined with Scott Walker’s 14-minute Toy Story jazz odyssey will have the ceremony entire running to about 5 hours and eight minutes.
The Oscar for Best Director will go the David Fincher, but he will be absent, having to take care of a family emergency. In his place, he selected Spike Lee to accept his award. It will later be revealed that it was not Spike Lee, but a Spike Lee impersonator who crashed the ceremony. He will go to prison.
In a weird twist, Bruce Vilanch himself will present the Oscar for Best Picture. He will give a very earnest, improvised speech about the importance of this ceremony, and how films have come to be the dominant art form in the world. He will open the envelope to announce the award, glance at the card, cackle loudly, and sprint from the stage. He will be found in Atlantic City three days later trying to sell the card to a casino pit boss.
At least four different people will make cracks about the show running long
