Top Five Movie Sequels

Much like your monthly herpes flare-ups, I’m back bi-otches! This week I return with yet another indisputable top five. What better way to celebrate my glorious resurrection than with a list that reveals the top five greatest sequels? I mean, seriously, honest to blog…

*As a side note, you will notice that movies from trilogies and series’ (i.e. any franchise with more than two movies) are immediately disqualified from this list. That means no Star Wars, no Godfather, no Lord of the Rings, no Die Hard, etc. Got a problem with that? You can take it up with my fists. They’re made of steel and justice.

Adams Family Values
For some reason, everyone and their mother hates this movie. I have no idea why. It’s actually a pretty awesome sequel that manages to keep all the humor and wit of the first (and yes, I’m aware that sounds like a lame quote found on the back of the VHS box). Does this movie do anything new? Absolutely not. But, Will Smith has been playing the same part for the past 10 years and nobody seems to pick on him, so why mess with the Adams Family? Not to mention, this flick has an awesome cast: Raul “M. Bison” Julia, Christopher “Great Scott” Lloyd, Anjelica Huston, Carol Kane, and Joan “Seriously, I’m not my brother” Cusack just to list a few. It’s like a collection of people that you recognize  but don’t really know their names–sort of like when you go to the local Wal-Mart over Christmas break and see people you went to high school with. Final plus of this movie? Remembering what Christina Ricci looked like when she was still all cute and innocent and not chained to Samuel L. Jackson’s radiator. 
*cue police sirens in the background*

Kill Bill Volume 2
Yeah, yeah…Quentin Tarrantino may be a verbose, hyper-active coke addict with poor spelling skills and an obsessive foot fetish, but the dude makes cool looking movies. Kill Bill Volume 2 is certainly no different. Whereas the first Kill Bill is a little bit too in love with its style, volume “deux” is toned down somewhat. That means less Japanese blood spurting/limb impalement and more storytelling with better dialogue. Plus, the whole Pai Mei training sequence is pretty cool and who doesn’t enjoy a good high speed eye removal every now and then (complete with a finishing kill by a Black Mamba in a desert mobile home)? Hmm…wait a minute…Black Mamba in a desert mobile home? Now if that’s not a name for a bad indie rock band from Connecticut, I don’t know what is. Playing at your local skating rink this Friday night…

Before Sunset
The sequel to the acclaimed indie darling Before Sunrise, Before Sunset is what all romantic comedies should be minus all the annoying clichés (i.e. no fat, quirky best friend, no sliding down walls while crying, no makeover montages, no running through airports). Directed by Richard Linklater, the sequel stars the same two leads from the first movie–Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy–as the two star-crossed would be lovers Jesse and Celine. Events pickup as the duo meets nine years after their first magical encounter and we watch as they meander through Paris, talking profoundly about life and love. In other words, it’s the type of conversation that is really interesting in movies, but is annoying as hell in real life. Regardless, the film is pretty solid in an artsy fartsy kind of way. My only complaint is that Linklater couldn’t somehow work the main kid from Dazed and Confused in there somewhere. That dude could grab the bridge of his nose and put his hair behind his ears like no other…

Toy Story 2*
I remember heading in to Toy Story 2 as the ultimate skeptic. How could Pixar trump what is arguably the greatest animated film of all time? “Blasphemy!” I cried. But, once I actually watched this sucker I realized that Pixar can pretty much do no wrong. Seriously, they could market crack to kids and I would still give them a hearty pat on the back and an encouraging thumbs up. Toy Story 2 builds on the great characters of the first and adds even deeper themes concerning age, the need to be loved, and the fleeting nature of childhood. It’s one of the few sequels that manages to both capture the magic of the first and still pave new ground. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure it’s the last socially acceptable thing Tim Allen has been a part of. Movies like this make you wonder how Pixar can continually kick so much ass. My guess is that it either has something to do with robots or lots of hallucinogenic drugs. John Lasseter turns to story team: “Dudes, I swear the cowboy doll was talking to me…”

*This footnote goes out to the smart alec with the glasses in the third row. Yes, buddy, I know that Toy Story 3 is currently in development and is tentatively set to be released in 2010. But, since the movie hasn’t hit theaters yet, the Toy Story “franchise” is still technically eligible to make this esteemed list.  Got that, buddy? Don’t you have some Star Trek fan fiction to write? Now, stop bothering me…ass

Wayne’s World II
Many, many years ago there was a time when Mike Myers was still funny and Dana Carvey didn’t make crappy movies while dressed as a turtle. Wayne’s World II came from this glorious period of history. The Wayne’s World movies are true pieces of art filled with so many memorable quotes that I practically have the scripts memorized. The sequel was kind enough to give us the character of Dell Preston, an insane roadie who delivers one of the greatest monologues in all of cinematic history. The Wayne’s World series represents something very special. You see, kids, there was a time when comedies could be both smart and hilarious. A time when satire was subtle and didn’t involve Carmen Electra running in slow motion in a bathing suit. Back in my day, we would watch these movies in theaters without air-conditioning while drinking flat coke, walking uphill both ways to get there…in two feet of snow…in the middle of July. Huh? What? Where was I? For the last time, you damn kids get off my lawn!

Until next time…

Ivan Kander is the handsome and debonair cohost of his very own video podcast. Check it out at www.lucky9studios.com/worstmovieever. He watches Speed 2: Cruise Control at least once a week.