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Thrones Post Game: The Old Gods and the New

Monday 7th May 2012 by Joe Starr

True story: I had a lot of margarita in me during last night’s Game of Thrones. Have you followed me on Twitter yet @joestarr187? Would you like to jump to the map?

WINTERFELL!

 Ugh. Theon.

The drug dealer from your high school that banged all of the girls you had a thing for has conquered Winterfell in the lamest way possible: with TRICKERY AND SKULLDUGGERY. He made a feint in a nearby town, and Winterfell sent the best of what was left to meet the threat. Theon’s crew snuck in and planted a flag. It’s honestly a pretty brilliant storytelling move. Theon is the lamest and worst, and Winterfell is the coolest and best. From the beginning of the series, Winterfell has been a completely safe, powerful beacon of hope in the North. It’s the home of the Starks, and if you aren’t a Stark in this show you’ve probably killed a baby or punched a whore to death. So it’s infuriating that Winterfell is conquered in the lamest way possible by the lamest guy on the show: Theon Sisterfingers, First of His Name. In just one scene, Theon goes from a bathroom break character to a guy that I would pay extra to see stabbed to death.

“WHATCHA GONNA DO, GREYJOY… WHEN WINTER RUNS WILD ON YOU?!”

Despite his promises to Bran that no one will be hurt, Ser Rodrik is captured by the Iron Islanders and spits on Theon. And then he gets beheaded. Actually, beheaded is too nice of a word for it. If it takes more than 8 strokes, it’s more of a cranial mangling.

Osha the Wildling hits Theon’s weakness: doing it with chicks. Later, after he’s passed out dreaming of selling bad ecstasy to middle school ravers, she sneaks Bran, Rickon, Hodor, and their wolves out of the castle.

They paid the iron price for those pacifiers.

Time for Osha and the Little Starks Adventure Time! It’s the best Fellowship ever! “You’ll have my crazy eyes.” “And my wolf!” “Also my crazy wolf!” “HODOR.”

ROBB ZONE!

Somewhere in between Walder Frey’s castle and King’s Landing…IT’S THE ROBB ZONE!

The King of the North spots Talisa the Nurse taking her 15 minute break. And now we know she’s not a real nurse because she’s be smoking and drinking coffee out of a paper cup. Robb calls her out on being Of Noble Birth (new band name) and she doesn’t deny it, but she doesn’t tell him who she really is, either. I feel better about her now, because I’m pretty sure she’s a character from the book being introduced in a fun different way. There’s actually A LOT of stuff in this episode that isn’t in the book, and I’ve really loved all of it. Anyway, Catelyn Stark shows up and Robb’s like ‘hey mom, this is Talisa’ and Catelyn’s like ‘mind your breeches tent, you’re engaged already.’ Not mentioned: The giant woman in armor Catelyn has brought back with her.

“Damn! Who is THAT bitch?”

And then they get a raven from Winterfell. So that sucks. Has a raven delivered good news yet? Upon learning that Winterfell has been conquered by his former friend and former extra from the movie Go, Robb is ready to march back North. However, Roose Bolton convinces him to stay in the field and let his son handle retaking the castle. Robb agrees, but wants Theon alive. Because he’s out of weed.

NORTH OF THE WALL!

Qhorin Halfhand, Jon Snow, and a few redshirts take out a wildling watchpost. Jon takes a wildling named Ygritte prisoner because ‘they can interrogate her.’ But we all know what’s really going on here: Jon has fan questions about what it was like on the set of Downton Abbey. She escapes and Jon pursues, getting separated from the group. He recaptures Ygritte as night falls, and they’re forced to sleep together for warmth. Ygritte doesn’t see anything wrong with a little bit of bump and grind. Jon Snow is an abstinent virgin. This is going to get wacky.

KING’S LANDING!

Myrcella is sent off to Dorne, and the King’s escort is caught in an unruly and angry crowd. Someone throws a poop at King Joffrey and he demands that the crowd be executed. This is not a good decision. The crowd riots and the High Septon gets ripped apart. Literally. Everyone goes Romero and his arms get pulled off. Tyrion does his best to handle the situation and get everyone out safely. He also smacks the hell out of Joffrey. Very satisfying. Sansa Stark is rescued from a group of would be rapers by THE HOUND, who totally has his ‘t-rex shows up just in time to eat these raptors’ moment. He roars and a ‘Game of Thrones’ banner flutters down in front of him. Have you ever seen Star Kid, that super hero movie that Tim from Jurassic Park did? You should see it.

What if Bran got this suit? OMG FANFIC

HARRENHALL!

So, this Tywin/Arya stuff isn’t in the book. Arya serves as the cupbearer to some random dude and Tywin never even shows up at Harrenhall. And who cares? Not me- the Tywin/Arya angle is my favorite part of the show. “What got your father killed, girl?” “Loyalty.” GOLD.

Littlefinger shows up and you just know that he recognized Arya but didn’t play his cards cuz that’s not how a True Boss does. However, Arya is caught stealing information about troop movements by a member of Tywin’s war council and has to play her second Jaqen card. Arya insists that the deed has to be done NOW. The knight knocks at Tywin’s door and falls forward dead with a dart in his neck. I wish Arya had saved 86 people because I could watch a ‘Arya tells Jaqen to kill someone and he is charming in that weird way he talks and then kills them’ scene every week for the rest of the series.

QARTH!

Ok, I’m starting to think that Dani is going to make a bad queen. So far her strategy is to demand things from people and then make a shaky passionate speech at them when they turn her down. And the speech always just makes them turn her down more. You’re the Daughter of Dragons. We’ve got it. You’re also getting sort of annoying. Oots, someone stole your dragons. Oh, are you going to do a speech? Is it going to sound like this?

“By the Blood of my Blood I will have my children returned. Into the fire I walked and returned as the Unburnt: The Mother of Dragons. Whoever has taken my children has taken the blind fury of the last Targaryen’s rage and it will drown them. I will retake my children in fire and blood and burn those who would deny me what’s mine. Also Khal Drogo.”

It’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?

MIC DROP