“She stuck her lipstick into her boob and it fell out of her pussy, okay?”
Last night I sat down to watch “House of the Fallen” for This Geek in Netflix. As far as I can tell, the titular house’s only telling trait was a curse where everyone that occupied its space was forced to communicate solely by screaming and overacting every line.
After being deafened by what may be the most mind-numbing, convoluted movie I’ve watched in some time, I tried to redeem the evening by selecting another movie. A better movie. A movie that didn’t have its dialogue edited like a TV soap opera.
I found it.
“Night of the Demons” is a lovingly crafted remake of a 1980s horror movie with the same name. Skipping over the totally unneeded theatrical release, “NotD” went *coughcoughcough*straight to DVD*coughcoughcough* last year.
I’ve been babbling about this movie to everyone since I watched it last night (which made today’s bridal shower a bit uncomfortable…), so just stay with me and ignore the “straight to DVD” thing I just mentioned, ‘kay? Great. Moving on.
Maddie has decided to go to a Halloween party with her two friends, Tits #1 and Tits #2. (Their names have been changed to hide their identities and accurately describe their… buoyant personalities.) They settle on a party hosted by Angela, a wild goth girl that might look familiar (Shannon Elizabeth of “American Pie” fame, anyone?), that is being held at a supposedly haunted New Orleans mansion.
I say “supposedly” but, really, it was haunted. “Supposedly” makes it sound better or, at least, have its ghoul-factor status in doubt so you’re motivated to watch it. Or something. Whatever. Shut up.
So Tits #1&2 get all skanked up and drive out to said party with less skankified Maddie, where they bump into Man With Questionable Sexual Orientation (henceforth known as MWQSO) and, his friend, Male Character Included Simply For Demon Fodder (AKA: Fodder). (Their names were not changed to hide their identities, their names were simply forgotten repeatedly and really not worth keeping track of in the first place. Again, shut up and let me work.) Because we need our genders to be a bit more balanced, Maddie’s ex-boyfriend, Colin (played by Edward Furlong of John Conner fame), attends the party as well.
Early into the alcohol-fueled night, the party gets shut down by some very unsympathetic cops and the above (sorta) named characters find themselves trapped on the grounds. During some house exploring (AKA: searching for the drugs Colin hid by dropping them into a vent), Angela and Colin break into a hidden basement room and discover six skeletons. Angela, being a freaky klepto intent on sexy goth badassery, decides to yank a gold tooth out of one of the skulls.
It bites her (OF COURSE IT BITES HER!) and transfers demon-plague (or whatever) into her, causing her to be possessed by some sex-starved, pale demon. Not too much unlike her normal self, really, making it no wonder that no one notices the change.
During an oh-so-risque game of spin-the-bottle, Demon-Angela makes out with MWQSO and infects him with the demon-plague. He, in turn, infects Tits #1, while Angela infects Tits #2 during one of the best horror movie lesbian scenes I may have ever seen.
The remaining three characters, Maddie, Colin, and Fodder, run through the house trying to survive this demon outbreak, uncovering clues as to what really happened to cause the demon-infestation in the first place.
I suppose you can guess what happened to Fodder.
Yes, that’s right. He hangs out in the attic eating M&Ms. No? Okay, you caught me.
While I was watching this absolutely wonderful movie that I may actually order on Amazon after I write this review, I made a list and some notes.
BAD THINGS OUT OF MIRRORS: 1
TITS, BARE: 5 (Yay, strippers! Work it, work it, work it!)
DRUG DEALERS RECEIVING BLOWJOBS: 1
LESBIAN SCENES: 3
HALLOWEEN SKANKS: (I had the infinity symbol drawn here but I’m not going to look up what font will give me the symbol because that takes way too much time so just picture it already, jeez. You people are so goddamned needy.)
ALLIGATOR-HEADED MEN: 1
GIANT DANCING PENIS: 1
BITING SKELETONS: 1
WINE BOTTLES BEING THE RECIPIENTS OF YEARS OF REPRESSED SEXUALITY: 1
DEMON SEX: 1
DEMON ANAL SEX: 1
DEMON ANAL SEX W/ TENTACLES: 1 (This scene just kept getting more and more amazing.)
HOVERING LESBIANS RIPPING OFF TITS: 1
TITS #1 JAMMING LIPSTICK INTO NIPPLE, FISTING SELF, AND PULLING SAID LIPSTICK OUT OF BLOODY VAGINA: 1
(It was at this point, as I was rewatching this movie, that I shouted up the stairs to my sassy gay roommate, “HEY! HEYYYY! KENNNNNN! PUT YOUR PANTS ON! I’M AT THE VAGINA FISTING LIPSTICK SCENE!!” He was very excited to witness said scene and I was very excited to be loudly shouting the phrase “vagina fisting lipstick scene.”)
ODD CRAWLING THING: 1
TRAPDOORS POSSIBLY GOING TO HELL: 1
ATTACK BY PLANTLIFE: 1
TENTACLES THAT COME OUT OF NIPPLES: 2
DEMON THREESOMES WITH EROTIC HORN SUCKING: 1
MIGRATING FURNITURE: 1 (BUREAU)
SELF-OPENING DOORS: 1
BLEEDING WALLS: 4
MONSTERS PUNCHING THROUGH SAID BLEEDING WALLS: (I started making little slashes here to count, but then it got overwhelming because there was a lot of punching going on so it ended up looking like a little haystack at the bottom of my notepad. Disclaimer: no farming happened in this movie.)
STOMACHES RIPPED OPEN: 1
BATHTUBS FULL OF BLOOD THAT YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE STICKING THINGS INTO, DUMBASS: 1
FLOORS THAT SHOULD BE STURDIER: 3
CLICHED ONE-LINERS AT FINALE: 1
As you can see, this movie had almost everything that is required of a demon-themed horror movie that doesn’t feature exorcisms or other religious rites. Personally, I feel it went beyond the call of duty with the overage of tits and lesbian scenes, so that’s just extra points.
All of the above awesomeness aside (alliteration, anyone?), this movie really did it for me. It took all the standard little demon-horror tropes and used them, yeah, and the movie ends exactly as you would expect it to. But the acting, especially for a straight-to-DVD flick, was solid, the budget was there (or at least used wisely), the art direction was freaking wonderful, and the soundtrack, with some Type-O Negative and Concrete Blonde tossed in, was great. It was fun without being campy or condescending and several of the scenes took me by surprise (though I’ve ruined the surprises for you guys– sorry).
It is, of course, on Netflix On Demand. Watch it, love it, tell me how right I am and how much your life has been improved by viewing this movie. Or tell me I’m nuts and that I need to stuff a tube of lipstick into my nipple. Either or.