I have discovered that someone has allowed Uwe Boll to direct yet another movie. I know. How does this man keep getting money and distribution?
In mid-2011, Blubberella was released on DVD and Blu-Ray by Event Film Distribution (just so you know who to blame). Please reign in your excitement. There’s not a lot of information (well, easy to access information when it’s 1AM and your groggy author wants to be soaking her pillow in drool shortly) floating around the internet on this movie– IMDB doesn’t even have a photo of the cover (which is ridiculous, by the way).
Blubberella stars Lindsay Hollister, who you might recognize as Steve Carell’s dance partner if you watched that horrific flick Get Smart (even my love for Anne Hathaway could not compel me to watch that movie), as the titular Blubberella– a smart-talking, under-sexed, cock-blocked, over-hyphenated dhampir(e) who happens to be residing in Germany in 1940. No, not the best of times to be living in Germany.
There’s some other minor actors in here, but none of them really have a recognizable background to draw from at the present time. We also have Uwe Boll doing an oddly charming appearance as Hitler.
So… the plot. I swear there was a plot in there somewhere.
We meet Blubberella as she rises from bed (curled up next to a line of dildos) and begins to narrate who she is to the audience.
“Hiiiii everyone! I’m Blubberella and I’m a superhero! Yes, I am! Stop laughing! I hope that you’re not sitting too close to the TV, ’cause you’ll be in my splash zone! Here’s some facts about me: I’ve been a superhero for the last 800 years, in high school I was voted most likely to marry a black man…”
That pretty much sets the tone for the movie.
Awkward love interest. Afraid of sharks and being tall. (Still kinda hot, though.)
We follow our lovely giantess as she attempts to find sex/love from the men she’s met on HerbrewHookup.com (yes, of course they had the internet in 1940s Germany) who keep “mysteriously” not showing up for their dates. And we also watch her fight Nazis– usually while trying to get food or sex from them.
This movie is set into chapters. They are:
Chapter One: Blubberella’s Hobbies (in no particular order)
1. Walks on the beach
2. Killing Nazis
Chapter Two: How to Make a Vampire for Dummies
Chapter Three: Titty Titty Fang Bang
Chapter Four: VILFS (vampies I’d like to fuck)
Chapter Eight: Intervention
Chapter Ten: Highway to Hitler
I cannot tell you what happened to five through seven or nine, but I can tell you that, whatever may have happened, this movie is going to make a fat joke about it. The sheer number of fat jokes this thing contained was ridiclous. Sure, there were a couple of good one-liners, but overall… it was too much. It’s like they were beating a dead horse and then decided to gangrape its corpse.
Before I start bitching too much, let’s get back to the film.
There is a series of what look to be unrelated (or very loosely related) events that this movie attempts to link together. A dream about Hitler, rescuing Jews from a train headed for some unnamed concentration camp, experiments on a Nosferatu-looking vampire, romance with a freedom fighter, a visit to a bordello, an escape on a Segway, and (among others unlisted) Blubberella unpacking her shopping (for like two minutes and there’s so no point).
Herr Doctor? Docktor? Dockter? Fuck it.
They all link up vaguely to… not much. I have a feeling this movie was edited with an iron fist weighted down by a crazy person beating off in an alley (which I’ve seen waaaaay too much of recently).
Here’s a snippet from my notes on the story-line:
“Hitler suddenly shows up on Blubberella’s doorstep (which is odd, because a) they didn’t know where she lived, b) they didn’t know her name, but Hitler called her by it as soon as he entered, and c) A TINY BLACK MOUSTACHE DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE HITLER) and begins to bitch to her about how she’s ruining his war campaign. She accuses him of cock-blocking her by sending so many Jewish men to camps and he decides to live with her.
Uwe Boll does not make a good Hitler– I kept wanting to hug him and pat his head.
Also, there’s a dude in black-face, bringing the total number of dudes in black-face to two– which is two more than there should be. It just doesn’t work. Also, black-face make-up = total fail. He’s more like green-face, and the make-up artist continues to maintain this standard for excellence throughout the movie.
During his residency at Chateau de Blubberella, Hitler and Blubberella bond over board games (RISK), cooking, and intimate conversations about Hitler’s true passions and we are given amazingly epic lines like:
“You’re just going to get lonelier the more people you kill.”
Cliched, but true.
But the whole Hitler-romance turns out to be a dream. I was incredibly disappointed by this.
Why is there a resistance fighter dressed as a fish? (Still kinda hot, though.)
44 minutes in, and I still didn’t have a good plot summary. That’s kinda fucked. However, at 50 minutes in, we learn that Hitler is possibly taking over the world with an undead army. Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not. Look, I’m still waiting for a coherent plot and the movie is over.
Plot-issues aside (far, far aside), this movie is packed so full of cultural references that, in ten years, no one is going to get a single joke that isn’t about her size. We’ve got Blade, Blade II, The Matrix, The Dark Knight, Precious, Dancing with the Stars, Nosferatu, and probably about a dozen that I didn’t catch because I live under a rock. Doing this amount of time-stamping on a film is bone-headed.
The tone of her hands doesn’t actually need to match her face. (Still kinda hot, though.)
However, there were some great lines that actually had me laughing out loud (“LOL” for those of you that no longer use your words), like:
“Honey, there’s no black people in this movie so the whore’s probably going to die first.”
“I’ve never seen anybody move like you do– like a caged rhino that hasn’t been fed in weeks.”
Watching this movie was a bit weird for me. For most of it, I was sitting there feeling really bad for the lead actress. Who wants to be the star of a film that focuses on a part of their body (or all of their body?) that is considered by most to be, at minimum, unattractive? Who wants to be the constant butt of jokes and be force-fed into a romance role? This movie, to me, felt like a stab at fat people. Well, repeated stabs. Machine gun-speed stabs liberally spread over the course of an hour and some change.
You and me could have a bad romance. (Still kinda… no. No, it’s not.)
But then I saw that Hollister was one of the writers for the script. That turns my concern on its head. She willingly wrote a movie called Blubberella that makes joke after joke about how huge her vagina must be. That compares her to various oversize jungle animals. That’s quite unexpected. I don’t really know what to think about it, but I really want to sit down with her now and find out her take.
Was the movie good? No. But it was entertaining– mostly. Some parts ran a little dry, some parts you knew Boll was giving the finger to various movie people. And Hollister is fucking amazing. I fell in love with her during the first half of the movie, watching her act out a scene with her “mother” when she gave the best puppy dog eyes I have ever seen.
So if you want a cute little romp where the plot-line follows in the path of those damned “Family Circus” kids and is full of fat jokes, sex jokes, and gay jokes (the character of flaming Vadge was killer), queue this up on Netflix on Demand.