The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor DVD Review – A Survivor’s Story
Shortly after volunteering to write a review of the 2-disc Special Edition DVD release of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I began to have some misgivings about my decision. These doubts were based on several factors, including, but not limited to:
- Every human person I spoke to who had seen the film in the theatre confirmed that it was almost offensively terrible.
- It was written by the same dill weeds responsible for “Smallville,” another inexplicably long-running series.
- Working titles for the film was apparently included The Mummy: Adventures in Career Suicide and Mummy 3: Phonin’ It In.
But I had made a commitment, and so I set out to prepare myself to view the film. After several days of Googling, my search for Mummy knowledge brought me to the rare books wing of my local haunted library. It was there I found the journal of famed DVD adventurer Hortence Copperbotham, written during the time of her own viewing of the third Mummy installment, and just before her untimely and mysterious death. I share that journal with you now:
Day 1: Today marks the beginning of my viewing journey. With a heart full of anticipation and bowl full of gourmet popping corn, I will settle in for what I am sure will be a rollicking international adventure. Due to the epic nature of film, I plan on parsing my viewing out over the next several days, lest I overwhelm my delicate sensibilities. Away I go, then!
Day 2: I must admit that yesterday’s viewing met with several minor challenges. The opening sequence offered the quasi-mythological doomed romance/jealous despot back-story I am accustomed to in Mummy films. However, I was a bit confused by the physiological reactions of the individuals cursed by the witch at the beginning of the film: first melting, then bursting into flame, and then solidifying. It seems that melting would have rendered them too structurally unsound to become man-shaped stone structures…but pish posh! I pressed on, only to be met with another troubling matter. It seems that the actress re-cast to play stoic Brit Evelyn O’Connell speaks not a word of the Queen’s English in a proper accent. It addled my mind a bit, to be sure. However, I can only hope that this issue will be magically resolved once the true spirit of the film washes over me.
Day 12: So much has happened…I cannot find the words to express everything. Time seems to be slipping away at a cruel pace, as are coherent thoughts. I have reached what I assume is the halfway point of the disc and my hopes of remaining on schedule are waning. The film continues, though at times I forget which film I am watching. It seems to become a different film every few minutes, a moment of Temple of Doom here, a mote of Crouching Tiger there. The characters, too, seem to be evolving at an unnatural pace. Since my last entry, we have collected Evelyn’s brother (an apparent alcoholic living in China), the O’Connells’ now-grown son and his sudden ninja love interest (who bears a striking resemblance to Destiney from the Rock of Love 2 program). There has been much shouting and chasing of the titular Mummy in various vehicles…when I turned off the disc for the night our heroes were in an airplane on their way to the Himalayas with a vomiting yak. Perhaps the snowy backdrop will improve the pace and offer some much needed character development.
Day 24: I was wrong, so wrong, to have ever chosen this assignment. There has been no development, only more running and blowing up of various things. And…yetis. Yes, fabled mountain yetis arrived to assist our heroes in their battle against the Mummy and his human minions. Yetis that are apparently aware of the rules and customs of American football. For the first time since the movie began I truly felt I must call poppycock on this whole operation. Firstly, I highly doubt any yeti living on a remote Himalayan peak would have had cause or opportunity to view an American football game. And secondly, it is common knowledge that the preferred sport of Yetis is actually curling. For shame, filmmakers!
Day 47: Have I slept? Am I hungry? These are questions I no longer dare to ask myself, fearing the answers. The end is nearing, but whether that end be death or the last chapter of the disc I do not know. So much (and yet so little!) has happened since that last blissful day when the least of my worries was a few wayward yetis. There have been armies of mummies loping about the sands of what I can only assume is the Gobi desert (I no longer have any concept of geography). Mystical spells have been cast, un-cast, re-cast…Michele Yeoh has died yet another poignant death on a desert hilltop. More shouting and chasing. Finally the mummy was slain and everyone but the hapless drunk brother character coupled off appropriately. At least…I believe that is what I saw. I no longer trust my mind to inform my senses. Is that a ravenous wolf I hear howling in the distance? The clawing of some unholy beast at my chamber door? Shall I answer it?
Day 48: ‘Twas not an unholy beast at my door. ‘Twas a bonus disc, a disc full of behind-the-scenes looks at fight choreography, special effects and casting. The knife is sharp against my neck. I have borne all I care to bear from this cruel world.
Needless to say, it was an eye-opening read. I subsequently burned the unwatched DVD set, placed the ashes in a golden chalice sealed with crystallized unicorn tears and buried the chalice on a remote hilltop, the location of which I will take with me to the grave. But some say that on a cold winter’s night, if you close your eyes and listen very closely to the wind after drinking several Red Bulls, you can still hear the faint, ghostly sounds of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor sucking…
Release Date: December 16
