Tabletop Tales: Dealing With Stress: My Own ‘Dungeonland’

For months I have been awaiting the release of Paradox’s new title, Dungeonland. 

The game finally launched just a few days ago, and is most definitely an early contender for the most embarrassingly terrible release of 2013 (and it’s only February!). The game was originally pushed back a week to January 29th, with the promise of a smooth (and relatively bugless) launch. This would have been quite a change for Paradox, as they have a very spotty history, full of bugged releases and bad ideas.

Dungeonland released publicly with severe balancing issues, and Paradox decided to make it available the very hour Valve Staff were arriving to work at their California office, rather than a more traditional midnight release.

The Steam Community forums were flooded with cries of lag, connection problems, balancing issues, and a severe limit of content. Paradox’s Facebook page is filled to the brim with hatemail (Though to be fair, I wrote a fourth of it…). It’s almost a joke in the way Paradox behaves after botching a release so badly.

It was after trying this tangled mess of a game that I angrily stood up and perused my own game shelves, mumbling angry truths to myself that I dare not repeat here. It was only then that the planets finally did align and the angels did sing a lovely tune, my fingers grasping the sacred book as it came free from the shelf…

“Those petty fools and their Dungeonland stand no chance against the joys of… The Sunderdome!”

The book I held in my hands was Xcrawl; one of my most prized possessions and the tome that shall seal the fate of many witless saps and heroes who so much as dare to enter my domain! Xcrawl is a setting book based on a generic fantasy world with the idea that it is “Modern day” with a few very major difference between the two timelines. For starters, instead of beginning as a godless Democracy, Mr. George Washington took the other option and forged America as the North American Empire (NAE), crowning himself Emperor George Augustus I, with his first major decree being the immediate release of all slaves within the empire. Within this great Empire, LARP (Live Action Role Play… silly) was born when a pack of dim witted college mages descended into their basement, only to encounter a pack of ghouls (much to their dismay)! Instead of being terminally punished, the college boys were rewarded as the founders of the NAE’s new national sport. The titular XCRAWL Games!
 

 

I madly flipped through the pages, “Blah blah blah, Empire this, Empire that.” Normally I prefer to keep the setting intact when I do such a thing, however, any setting based in an empire that has banned all adult entertainment definitely has no room in my heart! Finally, 87 pages into the book, I was able to start reading about the actual sport of Xcrawl, which with some distinct differences, behaves much like a regular dungeon crawl.

Xcrawl is a combative sport where a previously established team of heroes ventures into the equally preconstructed labyrinths created by the event’s Dungeon Judge. This “judge” is given a generous budget to hire hunters to bring bloodthirsty beasts, wizards and architects to his hospitable dungeon! While real Xcrawl events have various “rules” (like a ban on firearms), I chucked such principles out the door nearly instantly realizing, “Those puny heroes will need every edge they can get in my new park!”

As such, it’s no big wonder that Sunderdome could be classified as an illegal event by the NAE. Well bah, I didn’t want my porn banned anyway! Much like the infamous illegal Chinese events, all players will be allowed in my dungeon at once without a real time limit, and will gain glorious prizes for bloodshed – the value increasing if they should happen to shed the blood of a fellow player, hehe.

Sunderdome gives its heroes the standard bonuses and edges one could expect from a regular Xcrawl event, including rest rooms and the Mojo system. For glorious feats of teamwork and violence the party is rewarded with Mojo points that can be offered to fellow players in times of need. However, a player may not beg for the use of these points; it needs to be offered naturally.

In my park, the heroes won’t be the only ones that are cheered for, as my hoards are also allowed Mojo points if they are built of preconstructed teams such as the vicious “Eleven Imps of Hate” I have hired to guard the exit to the first stage of Sunderdome. The ranks of Xcrawl are filled with the standard classes of adventuring lore, but for those that take the sport somewhat seriously, the Athlete class makes a good replacement for combatants that want to dedicate their lives to Xcrawl, or any sport really.

Ran by the enigmatic DJ Majesty, this dungeon will test the mettle of any party! Composed of two stages and a mighty Boss level to smash those would be heroes who progress too far. No expense was spared in the park’s development and even the most seasoned Xcrawlers will have a problem or two getting out alive! Why would one subject themselves to this? What are they playing for Suzanne!?

“Thousands of gold worth of prizes, with the winning purse valued at 100,000,000 gold!”

That’s going to buy the winning team a few good burials for their fallen comrades, with enough leftover to retire to boot! Remember, all teams are in it to win it. Running into another dungeon crawling team need not be a fight, but you can’t risk them getting to the Boss before you do, can you?

Stage 1 is more like an application than a true stage, as the heroes battle their way through the entrance area known in the nightmares of heroes as the Parking Lot of Pain! This regular looking parking lot has a few surprises in the form of Anti-Hero Mines scattered intermittently around the pavement. Those that evade the mines will then have to avoid the eagle-like sight of Crimbles, the Kobold Sharpshooter that makes his home in the water tower that overlooks the entire area! Head still intact? Time to march up the Sunderdome Steps as the famous Eleven Imps of Hate pelt the party with stones, small arms fire, and boulders. Only then will the party be allowed into the Sunderdome Proper and be admitted to Stage 2.

Stage 2 is the Sunderdome itself. A gigantic labyrinthine maze of twists, turns, and deadly traps! Players enter through the Lobby of Torment, assaulted at all sides by Rabid Elven Lobbyists my boys have injected with Kermitis C bacteria; highly illegal, very entertaining. From there, the Players must navigate the Vicious Maze of Horror and its assortment of Spike Cannon traps, more Anti-hero Mines, and the great many monsters that stand between the party and the elevator. Said elevator takes you atop the Sunderdome, where the final confrontation against whatever fiendish boss I have chosen to rip them limb from limb today awaits. If they can overcome this monstrosity of a problem, it’d be less of a problem than Paradox’s blundered release.

See, right there. RIGHT THERE is a better idea using Xcrawl and Dungeons and Dragons, than Dungeonland is; I suggest that you don’t question it. What? WHOS THERE!? NO DON’T TAKE ME BACK TO THE WHITE ROOM! AHHHH!
 

 

Fin.
-Necroscourge 1/30/13