Soccer Mom – It’s Not Porn

Last week, Gilmore and I were in the Geekscape offices planning the E for All weekend and it turned out that I had last Saturday to myself without a Geekscape taping to schedule around and with Ben and Brian handling E for All by themselves. Laura usually works on Saturday, so I pretty much had the whole day to do whatever I wanted. Multiple times.

Knowing this, I asked Gilmore “hey man, you got any videos I can watch while Laura’s gone on Saturday?”

“You wanna watch Enemy Mine? It never gets old.” No, Gilmore. I did not want to watch Enemy Mine for the millionth time even though it doesn’t get old. I wanted to watch something you can only watch when your girlfriend’s gone. Catch my drift?

“I do have this one movie… Soccer Mom.” Yeah. Now THAT sounded closer to what I was looking for… Soccer Mom.

When the video was dropped off at my house the next day, I realized that I’d been duped. Soccer Mom wasn’t porn. Even with the catchphrase “One mom will do anything to win” I knew that this movie was going to fall way short of the mark. And what’s this? The Ladies Home Journal produced it? I was screwed. But with time running out on my “free time”, I didn’t have a choice. I popped the DVD in.

I can see why Soccer Mom is in Gilmore’s “stash”. Emily Osment, who looks a lot like her older brother Haley Joel Osment from Forrest Gump and The Sixth Sense, plays Rebecca, the main character. She’s a young girl who loves playing soccer, but she’s having trouble adjusting after the death of her previous coach: her father. While Rebecca’s mom Wendy, played by Missi Pyle, works an extra job and takes care of the house, Rebecca is left without the reason to keep playing soccer. That is, until banned Italian soccer star Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo is called to coach the team by the interim coach.

Too bad the interim coach was lying. Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo, played by MTV Sports’ (and Demolition Man’s) Dan Cortese, is a total asshole. He has zero intention of coaching the team, which Wendy quickly discovers. So what’s the team going to do without a superstar coach to lead them to victory over the snobby Malibu champs?

Wendy dresses up like a man in order to coach the team. Not any man either. She dresses up like Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo. And it’s creepy as hell. In this Ms. Doubtfire style twice, the resulting makeup fx on mother Wendy are almost convincing… if you squint. Missi Pyle spends the majority of the movie dressed as a man who appears to have had about seventeen facelifts from an illegal Mexican doctor. It’s creepy as hell.

I don’t know Missi Pyle personally, but if we were both single I bet I could get her. She seems funny and that’s attractive, right? And she’s a little older than me and that’s hot. But after seeing her spend over half of Soccer Mom dressed like a wax statue version of Dan Cortese doing an Italian impersonation straight out of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show? There was no way I was going to get any satisfaction out of this movie or Missi Pyle again (although Dan Cortese is now hot to me for some reason). Whatever. This movie had way too many underage girls in it anyways.

You know how this one ends. The mom’s façade falls apart when the REAL Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo shows up as a celebrity guest at the team’s biggest game against… yup… the Malibu rivals (who are made up of about 3 hot girls and 12 men with girl parts). Becca discovers just how much her mother cared about her soccer. Momma Wendy discovers how hard it is to put a family back together and Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo discovers that it’s okay to be nice to people sometimes.

Everyone is smiling in the end, just like the Ladies Home Journal planned, and there’re even some nice remarks from the men with girl parts on the other team. I gotta say, after the first 30 seconds, I wasn’t going to smack it to Soccer Mom in any way, even when Wendy’s soccer mom friend accidentally kisses her thinking she’s the real life Lorenzo mothafuckin’ Vincenzo. Not even that accidental lesbo action was going to do it for me. But as a movie that you would see on ABC Family, Soccer Mom is almost completely watchable if you sleep through a large portion of it, and watching Dan Cortese play a stereotype of an Italian is honestly pretty damn funny. Imagine it in your head for a second. But as mid-Saturday porn… it’s very, very bad.

Which leads me to ask, “why was this in Gilmore’s collection?”

The first person that e-mails jonathan@geekscape.net for a copy of Soccer Mom, gets this Not Porn movie on DVD and a punch in the face. Soccer Mom is available now on DVD… at a store you probably don’t go to.