Scarlett Johansson and the Celebrity Nude Photo: Why Do We Care?
24 hours ago, Scarlett Johansson’s nude photo was leaked to the world. Obviously, the Internet almost immediately exploded with jokes. Some people openly posted comics and facebook statuses about jerking it at work or school. It was as if the entire male population instantly became totally shameless. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t post some statuses and even tweeted about it but the question remains “what is it about the celebrity sex tape or nude photo that grabs our collective attentions?”
I know when I first discovered celebrity nudity: it was 1998. I saw The Wedding Singer and instantly fell in love with Drew Barrymore. I was in junior high at the time and was reaching… that age of self-discovery. I remember a fellow classmate informing me that you could look online and find pictures of celebrities naked!
Now nine times out of ten, these photos were fake, not that a 13 year old who never saw a women naked before would care or even notice. But luckily for me I had a crush on a celebrity that had posed nude for playboy. I became obsessed with seeing all of my favorite female actresses naked. And thankfully, this website was always willing to help (again most of the time with fakes).
High school came and the occasional girlfriend here or there kept my attention off of fake nude photos of celebrities as I focused more energy on the real thing. However, during freshmen year of college my friend showed me a video of a ‘celebrity’ that I had never even heard of. Her name was Paris Hilton. The video was pretty shitty, but it started a weird obsession with me (again).
Much like Mr. Skin wanted to collect every celebrity nude scene caught on celluloid, I wanted to see every nude celebrity I could find. It wasn’t even a sexual thing anymore, just a curiosity. I saw the good (Kat Dennings photo leak) and the bad (Mini-me’s sex tape). I also saw everything in between (Gene Simmons and Pamela Anderson). A close married couple that I was friends with shared this same bizarre obsession. Kevin Smith wrote an entire film premise around our curiosity to see people fuck and as yesterday proved, the world wants to see celebrities naked. But why?
In his book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman discusses Internet pornography. He explains how women should be thankful for Internet porn. His reason being that the number one most downloaded type is Amateur porn. Perhaps people no longer want to see big fake tits and professional sexperts. Perhaps they want to literally see the girl next door. According to Klosterman, the average had become beautiful again. While I tend to agree with Chuck Klosterman normally… I think he’s wrong. While it’s nice to see the illusion of ‘amateur’, most people would rather see themselves as professionals pretending to be amateurs. This may be why we still obsess over celebrity sex tapes and nude photos. It helps to remind those of us down here that those of us up there might just be amateurs as well.
The celebrity sex photo works as a reality check to both sides. Haylee from Paramore, Scarlett Johansson, Kat Dennings; they are beautiful, but seen without the Photoshop, the makeup and the airbrush… aren’t these just regular people? While it’s nice to imagine banging a big name, the fact of the matter is that these women aren’t that far removed from your own un-Photoshopped, un-made up and un-airbrushed wife or girlfriend. They both probably have boobs. Both boobs probably have nipples. Shit! Some celebrity sex tapes almost prove that your wife or girlfriend are better lovers!
The celebrity nude photo or sex tape shows the wizard behind the curtain that every one of us “regulars” need to glimpse in the hopes of understanding that we aren’t that bad off as our normal, ignored selves. They celebrate the normalcy (and the base, insecure nature) shared by all of us. There’s no 3rd breast, extra nipple or Kuato. For the most part, they’re just like you and me.
No longer do you have to jerk off to the opening credits of Lost in Translation, you’ve seen more. No longer do you have to watch creatively covered up breasts of Kat Dennings in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist because the real thing is just a click away. Maybe Chuck was on to something (or at least a good excuse): celebrity nudity just makes us appreciate that we already have what we need in the lovers we’re with and that each of us really are unique, and normal, when there’s nothing left for us to hide behind.
Jonathan London contributed to this article. He’s not ashamed that he’s also seen the Scarlett Johansson pictures. He IS ashamed that Scarlett took those photos before he got a chance to clean his room. You let a girl into your home and she shares it with the world. Thanks.
