Chuck Norris: Playable or Played Out?

I love doing Geekscape. I love the community. I love the show. I love the writing. And of course I love the cool stuff in the mail. Every time my mail lady drops by, who knows what magical mystery might be waiting for me. Right now, I check it daily for my Castle Crashers action figures to arrive. Or maybe Giraffey has send a postcard from wherever he ran off to this time (if you’re reading this, Giraffey… pleasy come back home).

Friday I got a small package from our friend Alex B (that’s what I call him here at Geekscape HQ) who sent us the heads up on all of the Mortal Kombat VS DC stuff that was going down at Comic Con. That game turned out to be a surprise favorite of the Geekscape team and as I tore open the package I wondered (in rhyme), ‘what on Earth could Alex B/Send all the way here to me’.

Then Chuck Norris popped out of the envelope and I almost jumped into a fucking tree. Turns out that the company Gameloft, who make cell phone games, like the one for Assassins Creed, has made a Chuck Norris cell phone game called Chuck Norris: Bring On The Pain. Is this a warning to the player or to the villains found within? I don’t know… and maybe never will. My cell phone is as old as the one Danny Glover used in the first Lethal Weapon.

But this game looks cool. It’s like an old arcade action game like Final Fight or Double Dragon. From the images and the video on the CD that Alex B sent me, you play as Chuck Norris and fight world bad guys like Kim Jung Il either on foot, on a motorcycle or in a helicopter. In all honesty, the Chuck Norris hipster jokes that Andy Sanberg started on Saturday Night Live were old to me a year ago and when I saw that it was now a cell phone game, I braced myself for the worst (by finding the nearest doorway and bracing myself against it).

Here’s the part that I thought was cool about this specific cell phone game though: you can take the pictures of your friends from your phone and make them bad guys in the game. Anybody? Anybody? Considering that Brian Gilmore calls me at least a few times a day, this feature actually makes me want to get this little dealio just so I can have Chuck kick him in the nuts. Repeatedly.

So that’s what I’ve got to share with you all from the most recent Geekscape mailbag. There are only a few cell phone games that have been released that have made me want to join the new century with my current phone technology: God of War, South Park’s Imagination Land and now Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. If the game was about my beloved Jean Claude Van fuckin’ Damme and not old “The Bible Should Be Taught In Public Schools” Chuck Norris, I’d already be racking Gilmore in the nads. But as it stands, color me interested. Now someone out there download this thing and tell me if it’s any good!