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Geekscape’s Before First Class: What if a Thunderbolts Movie Had Been Made in the 70’s?!

Friday 11th May 2012 by Joe Starr

With an announced sequel to X Men: First Class, and the rumors of a rebooted 1960’s Fantastic Four, retro Marvel is officially IN. This has led Geekscape to wonder: what if different Marvel franchises had actually been released in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s?

Or, maybe you think it’s stupid to cast a Marvel movie in a different decade, justify the lineup, and pitch a plot. Well, that’s why we at Geekscape consider ourselves to be heroes, in a way. We waste our time doing the stupid things the world is afraid to do. Last time, we shook the 90’s to their very core with a 1994 X Men film. And then people dared to believe that John Ritter had no place in an 80’s Avengers movie! Now it’s time to annoy the internet with the power of the 70’s!

The Pitch: The superheroes are all dead. In the distant future of 2009, masked vigilantes have been outlawed, and the government has tasked Norman Osborn, formerly the psychotic criminal Green Goblin, to lead a wetworks team of villains to track them down in exchange for full pardons. Only a few remain…Will the Thunderbolts silence these heroic outlaws, or can Power Man, Iron Fist, and Misty Knight make the nation believe in heroes once more?!

Justice…like 70’s grindhouse lightning!

I’ve got some NSFW video evidence for you.

I can’t even think of any jokes, really. Charles Napier is the god damn Goblin. Next.

Screw Fun With Dick and Jane and screw it’s eventual remake. Thunderbolts is Jane Fonda’s comeback film. Plus, the Moonstone Workout is going to sell like crazy. Since a lot of the feedback on these articles has been “special effects weren’t up to par to do these movies,” we’re going to adapt the characters for the grindhouse cult classic that we’re making. Even though that opinion is dumb and misses the point of the articles, which is to have fun and talk about John Ritter and watch Charles Napier murder someone. Anyway, 70’s Grindhouse Moonstone has the power of making herself intangible and being a manipulative bitch. And showing her boobs, probably.

If the 70’s taught us anything, it’s that David Carradine is the best Asian actor in the world. I can’t think of a better actor to represent China. 70’s Grindhouse Radioactive Man is radioactive. He probably melts people’s faces off. And since David Carradine is the greatest martial artist of the 70’s, he probably knows Kung Fu AND Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.

A movie like this is all about getting credibility with the fans. We’ve got David Carradine on board, and he is the greatest martial arts star to grace the small and big screens. Some other folks are bringing the Hollywood cred, so now we need to play to the nerds with Songbird being played by Mara Jensen, AKA Athena on Battlestar Galactica! BONUS: She’s dating Don Henley, so keep your fingers crossed and we can get ‘Thunderbolts of Summer’ on the soundtrack. 70’s Grindhouse Songbird uses her sonic scream to reluctantly fight for the man.

In my yearbook, I got the senior superlative of ‘most likely to be an actor.’ Lame and way off the mark. Malcolm McDowell’s was ‘most likely to bind the skin of a dead loved one into the handle of a sword to retain her power’ so I feel like Andreas von Strucker is a good fit for him. Plus he may not have gotten the message across in Clockwork Orange. 70’s Grindhouse Swordsman bound the skin of his dead sister onto the handle of a sword and he’s a bad ass crazy swordsman. What’s the point of that? Would you want to mess with a guy that probably turned his parents into lamps? Hell, give me Superman’s powers. I’m still not going near this guy.

Sweet Christmas, its Black Caesar! Shaft may have been a bad mother, but he didn’t have the build for Power Man. There’s only one hero of blaxploitation that can wear the tiara: Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson! 70’s Grindhouse Luke Cage has bulletproof skin, dreamy eyes, and the ability to be the subject of fierce debate about movie racism in some film history class someday.

His grand return as a martial arts hero! The lead character and star of Enter of the Dragon, JOHN SAXON! He’s already got the kung fu credibility, AND Saxon can pull off the billionaire playboy side of Bruce Wayne Tony Stark Lamont Cranston Danny Rand. I wanted to put Shang Chi: Master of Kung Fu in this movie too, but there weren’t any big Asian action stars at the time and David Carradine is already playing Radioactive Man. Is this joke old yet?

There’s no one else to play Misty Knight except for Pam Grier. Misty IS Pam. If Greg Land was drawing a Misty Knight book, he’d be tracing Pam Grier. And porn. Greg Land traces porn.

The man that can’t miss should also be the man with no punctuation: Christopher Walken. If Bullseye wasted time worrying about having a normal human sounding flow to his voice, he might start not hitting people with sharp things. Honestly, Walken already has a lot in common with Bullseye. He’s done the Russian roulette thing in Deer Hunter, he’s got crazy eyes and he’s killed a Greek woman.

The Director

It’s got to be Paul Bartel, the director of the most important landmark movie in the 70’s: DEATH RACE 2000! And some episodes of Clueless: The TV Series.

Watch the credits bump scene for a special appearance by THE DOBERMAN GANG!