by meepblop Wednesday 13th August 2008

Geeks in Public: Wedding Bells

Venturing into the outside world can be overwhelming for a geek. However, with the proper guidance, any geek can learn the language and customs of Ordinary People in order to function, flourish and possibly even get some. So get up off the couch. Go beyond the front door! My name is Faye. I’m a fellow geek and I’m here to help you.
Sometimes, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much they decide to combine their financial and spiritual assets for all eternity in legal bondage. This is called Marriage, and is most often brought to fruition through the ritual of a Wedding. At various stages in your life, weddings will become like iPhones: everyone around you will suddenly be having one and they won’t be able to shut up about it.
Weddings are certainly not exclusive to Ordinary People, however their particular brand of nuptial celebration will probably differ greatly from any geek weddings you may attend. For example, there will be far fewer people in formal steampunk attire and the ceremonies are much less likely to be performed in Klingon. This does not mean you can’t have fun, but it is always good to be prepared when you venture into the Most Important Day of Someone’s Life so you don’t accidentally screw it up.

The Ceremony (AKA The Boring Part)

Weddings are usually kicked off by a ceremony, wherein some kind of officiating figure goads the bride and groom into professing their feelings for each other in front of the entire group. This portion of the event can last anywhere from 15 minutes to 80,000 hours depending on religion, personal preference and number of acoustic musical numbers performed by friends.

In some more traditional wedding ceremonies there will be a lot of standing, sitting and kneeling at various stages. You may even be asked to repeat something aloud. At least one person near you will know what they are doing in these instances, so just follow the crowd. Also be aware that the language and tone used during a ceremony will differ from wedding to wedding. Some of the things you will hear will be genuinely sweet and perchance bring a tear to thine eye. Others may be laughable; DO NOT LAUGH. A polite twitter at the bumbling of a ring exchange is the only acceptable type of laughter during a non-donkey wedding.

The Reception (AKA Everybody Get Drunk and Embarrass Yourselves!

Following the butt-numbing ceremony will come the wedding reception. This celebrated intergenerational free-for-all is punctuated by several key features:

 

Food – Wedding food is usually pretty good. It’s the Most Important Day of Someone’s Life, remember, so they’re going to spring for the good crackers. Eat up!

 

Drink – There are two types of weddings: those with open bars and those without. If you are lucky enough to stumble into an open bar, feel free to order, like, 4 Harvey Wallbangers. If you have wandered into a non-alcoholic, or “dry,” wedding… sorry.

 

This monstrosity cost thousands of dollars

Dancing – If you’ve ever wanted to see a 75-year-old woman do the Electric Slide, now’s your chance! Whether it be an open, club-style dance floor or one of several scheduled “traditional” dances (read: use of basic dance lessons), people at weddings are always dancing to terrible music. You don’t have to partake, but please try not to stare. Here are some of the songs you will probably hear:

Let the fun begin!

Meeting People

Hollywood would have you believe that weddings are rife with attractive young ladies just dying to jump your bones in the coat closet. In reality, meeting people at weddings can actually be quite tricky. For one, people often bring dates to weddings, which means they are already partnered off for the evening. For two, because of the prevalence of quixotic, lovey-dovey stuff happening all around, some single geeks might begin to feel pressured to advance more quickly on the romance front. Take a deep breath. Have another Harvey Wallbanger.

If you do happen to end up talking to a single girl, keep the conversation light. Remember that she may very well be feeling the same pressure to immediately pair off and get married as you are. Try to diminish the awkwardness by avoiding overly sentimental topics like “feelings” and “weddings.” Talk about your cat or something.

Gifts

Most couples getting married will make gift-giving an easy task for you by making a list telling you exactly what to buy them. This list is called a registry, and usually includes some of the most boring stuff you’ve ever seen. While your geekly instinct might be to buy them something totally cool related to some kind of joke or history you share, try to resist. On most occasions, it is good to add a personal connection to a gift when possible. But remember that the purpose of a wedding is to get crap you don’t want to spend your own money on. So buy them the stupid silver ladle this time and save the USB Enterprise Foam Photon Torpedo Launcher for Christmas.

Faye Out.