Before we get to business, know this! I’ll be in a big Game of Thrones themed comedy show on June 2nd in Hollywood at 10:00! Jokes about winter coming are coming! Here’s the Facebook invite! You should come!
TO THE MAP!
This whole episode could have been Yara calling Theon a dumb cunt for an hour and I would have deemed it the best episode of Game of Thrones to date.
Despite Theon being a total fuck up that deserves a noose, Yara begs him to return home so that he won’t get slaughtered by Northerners. She tells him a story of how once, as an obnoxious constantly screaming baby, he looked up at her, stopped crying, and smiled. And then about 16 years later he fingered her.
Hey, look who’s hiding in the crypts! The Reeds had better be down there, too. I still haven’t forgiven this.
NORTH OF THE WALL!
Meanwhile, on Hoth…
OH SHIT ITS RATTLESHIRT THE LORD OF BONES! I love this dude. He looks like a Masters of the Universe toy once they started running out of ideas and started putting out Artic Attack Skeletors. I think that it’s important people understand everything they need to know about a character within twenty seconds of meeting them. L.O.B. said ‘gut him’ 16 times in 12 seconds. I think we’re all on the same page.
It seems that the Halfhand was captured looking for Jon, the redshirts (blackshirts?) having been killed offscreen. Ygritte evens her score with Jon by talking the Lord of Bones out of gutting him. You guys think that’s the end of Ygritte and Jon Snow? Cut to footage: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Alright guys, have a great night. See you next time right here on this bland smiley network recap show!” CREDITS.
Halfhand starts his plot to get the Wildlings to think that Jon Snow has betrayed the Night’s Watch and pushes the bastard down a hill. Jon stands and gets a serious case of ‘eff me eyes’ from Ygritte. They might just be suspicious eyes. It’s tough to tell with her.
THE ROBB ZONE!
Robb and Lady Nurse walk in the woods together, laughing and sighing. WHERE IS BRYAN ADAMS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
Ned Stark’s shadow continues to hang over the events of Westeros, long after his death. Spoiler alert, in case you randomly missed episodes of season 1 and have been wondering where Sean Bean is. We get some nice insight into Robb via lessons he learned from his father.
And then some bad news…JAIME LANNISTER ESCAPED! Wasn’t it refreshing to not have a guy saunter up to Robb and grimly tell him they’ve had a raven?
Catelyn Stark freed the Kingslayer? This shit isn’t going to play out well. And now she’s on house arrest, like Charle Sheen. Brienne sort of sounds like ‘Bree Olson,’ right?
But she doesn’t even have Brienne, because the Maiden of Tarth is escorting Jaime Lannister back to King’s Landing? Tyrion and Bronn are going to have to move over, because this is my favorite two man show on Game of Thrones.
I love the Kingslayer. I love that killing the Mad King was the right thing to do, and that if a noble man like Ned Stark had been in his position, the Mad King would have slaughtered thousands, but everyone still vilifies Jaime for doing what had to be done. No joke to add there. He’s just neck and neck with Tyrion as my favorite Lannister.
Robb wraps up with bonding with Lady Nurse, who is clearly of no relation to anyone in the Crag.
I really want the Crag to be the Agrocrag from GUTS, and for Lady Nurse’s mother to be Mo.
Also, they bang. Those tunics seem hard to take off.
Stannis has some serious brother issues. We finally get a full, clear back story about Davos.
“We don’t have that many books.” Line of the night. This show does so well with giving folks you haven’t seen in a few episodes a strong return.
Tyrion is really annoyed with Bronn’s fingernail clipping. I’m thinking that a certain duo is worried about being overshadowed by a certain Jaime and Brienne? Anyway, the gang is trying to figure how Stannis will attack, given how well he knows King’s Landing. What this scene presupposes is, maybe it’s Mud Gate?
Cersei tries to tie Tyrion up by the whore, and Tyrion gives a lesson in intense speeches that the Mother of Dragons really needs to take notes on.
I have a bad feeling that Tyrion is going to learn a sharp lesson about bitches, and how they ain’t shit but hoes or tricks. At least it looks like Ros is going to eat it.
Joffrey hangs out with Varys and Tyrion and says a string of douche bag things. I’m really hoping he rides out to fight Stannis wearing a TAPOUT shirt.
And where are the gods of tits and wine?
FIST OF THE FIRST MEN!
If it was the first of the Fist Men, it would be a much different scene. Sam, Grenn, and that other guy find a cache of magical weapons. Finally, something Dungeons and Dragonsy happens in our fantasy series! Link found A JAR! You can put fairies in it! Or bees!
Damn it. I almost got a whole episode without Dani. She strokes Jorah’s cheek until he agrees to go to the House of the Undying with her. Poor Mormont. He’s got 99 problems. Guess who’s one?
Tywin is about to hit Robb with a major sneak attack! Hey you guys remember Hot Pie? Here he is, talking about homemade pop tarts. That one’s for regular reader Brittany Canasi, who made me home made pop tarts one time. Her blog is full of desert.
“A girl lacks honor.”
Arya is a fucking boss.
With Jaqen’s help, Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie escape. Why are we taking Hot Pie? Arya can’t really be blamed. Worthless fat dudes have a tendency to turn out to be really useful heroes in fantasy books. She’s just playing the odds.