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Avengers vs. X Men: The Matches We Really Want To See

Wednesday 28th March 2012 by Joe Starr

I know that you’ve read a ton of other articles about fights people want to see in Avengers vs. X Men. And I know that you’ve been bored by them. Captain America and Cyclops? Meh. Rogue vs. Iron Man? Pfft. Red Hulk vs. Armor and Surge…? Acceptable. With fights that bland, I can’t believe Marvel hasn’t been purchased by Dreamwave yet.

There are a lot of battles I’m dreaming of that Marvel just doesn’t have the courage to give us. So here, in no particular order, are most of them.

 Decade Late Battle of the Decade: 

Gambit vs. 90’s Thor

Remy Lebeau: The poster child of 90’s Marvel. He’s still wearing that damn coat and that black and purply armor/jumpsuit thing and he’s still throwing cards. He couldn’t be anymore 90’s if he was throwing Wildstorm cards.

But the Son of Odin shant let the X Men own the 90’S! It’s time for Thor to pay his storage unit a visit and fish out the STRAPS! CHAINS! BELLY SHIRT! SHOULDER PADS! Whoever wields this dick armor, should he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!

Projected winner: Gambit is shattered into a pile of Phalanx Covenant hologram covers when he tries to hit Thor in the junk with his staff.

By the Order of Agent Henry Peter Gyrich:

Token Black Guy Battle Royale

Storm. Black Panther. Bishop. Falcon. That smart kid from New X Men that lost his powers. Patriot. Black Widow. Black Knight. Black Tom Cassidy. Throughout the years, a respectable handful of black superheroes have either protected a world that hated and feared them or served as one of earth’s mightiest heroes.

But heads up, true believers: after AvX every spot for an African American hero is being taken up by a different Spider-Man costume variation, and according to Gyrich, the Avengers and X Men will share one only black person between the two teams.

Projected winner: Krystalin from X Men 2099 wins the spot. Black Panther stops hanging out in New York all the time and remembers to run that country that he’s the king of.

The Real McCoy:

X Men Beast vs. Avengers Beast

One 3.99 22 page comic of Hank McCoy sitting in his room making a pros and cons list about which team he should fight alongside. WRITTEN BY GRANT MORRISON.

Projected Winner: Whichever one makes him not look like a cat anymore.

Kid Gladiator vs. Everyone

I mainly just want to see Kid Gladiator beat the hell out of that dinosaur kid from Avengers Academy like a super strong Verne Gagne. Did you guys know that Kid Gladiator is the future of comics? Because he is.

Projected Winner: Kid Gladiator beats up the whole crossover, jumps to the New 52, and takes care of them, too. Broo helps.

The Chuck Austen Memorial Cage Match: 

Lionheart vs. Nurse Annie

If Lionheart wins, she gets to see her kids which she couldn’t do for some reason! If Annie wins, she…I guess she bangs Havok? And her son watches? Chuck Austen was weird.

Projected Winner: Chuck Austen, for me reminding everyone he existed for a paragraph.

Andy Kaufman InterGender

Championship Match: 

Hank Pym vs. Emma Frost

I just want to see Hank try and give Emma the Pym-Hand. She used to be a stripper. They know how to deal with dudes like that.

Projected winner: Emma Frost makes Pym sit on his hands by force.

The ‘I Know Now Why You Cry But It Is Something I Can Never Do’ Invitational Robot Fight: 

Vision vs. Danger

Maybe it’s because I was just writing about old Chuck Austen runs, but I hope Scarlet Witch falls in love with Danger.

Projected Winner: Vision is in control until Hugh Jackman figures out how to make Danger mimic his shadow boxing moves.

Avengers: Disassembled

vs. X Men: Disassembled

Bendis is leaving Avengers. We know this to be true. And we all know by now that his roadmap to a franchise’s success looks something like this:

1. Disassemble
2. Red Ninjas
3. Profit
4. Red Ninjas

Don’t think it’s not coming, X fans. Sure, they just schismed, but right after we had a Civil War we were Secretly Invaded, and then we faced Fear Itself like two days later. Somewhere in there, Spider-Man big-timed. X Men: Disassembled is coming for us and the mutants are going to have to prove that they can disassemble better than the Avengers.

This will be an uphill battle for the X Men. For one thing, they don’t assemble so I think they’ll have to call it X Men: Disuncannied. I hope Bendis just makes X Men: Disuncannied Pixie’s fault so we can get rid of her.

Projected Winner: Bendis gets five more years of glory when The Hood relocates The Hand to San Francisco.

Johnny Guitar and Dr. Sax

Not even fighting anyone. I just want them around more.

Projected Winner: Everyone that buys The Adventures of Kid Gladiator Featuring Johnny Guitar and Dr. Sax #1, the MAJOR new ongoing series spinning out of the pages of AvX written by Dan Slott and Jason Aaron with art by Stuart Immonen!  Special back up story: BROO MEETS PRESIDENT OBAMA!

Joe Starr is the host of GEEKSCAPE PRESENTS, our monthly free live comedy show. The next one is April 3 and you can learn all about it HERE.

  • Jae

    I’d probably have dick armor too if I was a super hero. It just makes sense. Even gods have nards. Great big nards.